4 Brutally Honest Things Survivors Of Narcissistic Abuse Want To Say To Their Abusers…



Whatever the root cause of their behavior, a narcissist will cause untold suffering to those they abuse. They are spirit crushers; they take an individual and control, confuse, and torment them with a bewildering array of verbal and physical weaponry just to gratify their insatiable, egotistical mind.

Upon escaping this toxic personality, it can take a survivor a great deal of time to recapture some semblance of their former identity, but they will never quite resemble the person they were before.

Despite this, they will eventually reach a place where they are able to look back on their experiences at the hands of a narcissist with some small amount of acceptance. They will never fully understand why they had to endure such suffering, but they will no longer be imprisoned by the lingering influence of their narcissist.

While it is recommended that someone who has been through such an ordeal never again make contact with the person in question, there are a few things that many would love to be able to say to their abuser.

Here are four such statements that might be said.

1. You Did NOT Break Me
You hurt me in ways that you’ll never quite understand. At times, life with you felt like a form of psychological torture as you pushed me ever closer to the brink of the abyss.

You took me, you chewed me up, and you spat me out again. You have forever changed me in ways that I am still coming to terms with.

You looked at me as a tool and used me as just that. You didn’t care for me; all you wanted from me was the adoration and attention that you crave.

I just want you to know that you did NOT break me. My spirit may have been hurt, but since leaving you behind, it has once again bloomed and flourished.

In spite of all your attempts to degrade and destroy me, you failed. I stand here today in defiance of you and everything you did to me.

2. You No Longer Have A Place In My Heart (And That’s Your Loss)
For a long time, my heart belonged to you. You had my love, my care, and my devotion, but you wasted it and now it is gone.

There is no longer a place for you in my heart and I want you to know that there never will be again. What you had was a privilege and an honor, but you know no respect for such things.

You may think you have much in your life, but my love – and the love of all those who have left you behind – is something that you will be much poorer without.

3. You Taught Me A Lesson I Needed To Learn
You may well believe that you had the last laugh in our relationship, that there is nothing that I could possibly take from the time I spent with you.

Let me tell you now that you are wrong.

You may have used me without a second thought to my wellbeing, and you may not care how I am now, but you should know that what you did to me has taught me huge amounts.

You and your spiteful behavior were life lessons that I am grateful for. I do not thank you for this; I thank myself for being able to see the meaning in your malevolent ways and to learn from them that which I needed to learn.

4. I Pity You
The only feeling I have left for you now is one of pity. It is sad to think that you will never know what it feels like to love, to feel compassion, or even to truly feel close to another living being.

I wish you were able to understand what it is you lack, but I doubt you ever will. It’s not simply the love for others, but that which you feel towards yourself too; I don’t think you even experience this.

cannot imagine a world in which there is no love, but this is precisely what you must be living in. While others may show you love, you cannot feel its effects, nor bask in its warmth and beauty.

For all this, I can only have pity for you.



This Article Was Originally Published In dailysecrets


If He Doesn’t Have These 20 Qualities, He’s Not Your Soul Mate.



It’s easy to list what you find unappealing in a potential mate, but identifying the qualities that make someone desirable for the long haul is a slightly tougher task. What exactly qualifies a person to fulfill the role as your life partner?Not everyone runs a mental checklist before taking the ultimate leap — some just know. But regardless of whether or not you choose to follow that instinct, it doesn’t hurt to validate that he or she is the one.

To distinguish between someone who’s good for right now vs. someone you want to wake up next to every day, consider the following list. If there’s someone in your life with these 20 qualities, don’t let go.
1. Supportive of your passions and decisions: He or she should be your biggest cheerleader and encourage you to pursue any endeavors despite how it may affect them.

2. Adds value to your life: Not in terms of monetary value — your partner should contribute a quality that inspires you to grow, whether that means he or she is smarter or more ambitious than you. (But make sure you can provide the same.)

3. Can be completely silly with you: “Till death” is a long ride that should be filled with the most fun moments. Along the way, they shouldn’t have a problem being playful with you or exposing their inner child without inhibition.

4. Adores you: Even if you’re not one who needs the validation, your partner should show how much they love and adore you without necessarily putting you on a pedestal.

5. Is willing to compromise: The two of you will never not disagree on something, so make sure he or she is open-minded to your needs and desires, too.

6. Treats your family just as well: If your partner shows zero respect for your friends and family, it’s hard to ignore, even if he or she has no problem showing their appreciation to you.

7. Values your opinions: Your partner doesn’t have to agree with you at all times, but he or she should be able to respect your beliefs (without imposing theirs on you) despite them being different from their own.

8. Loves him/herself as much as they love you: The best partner is someone who can stand alone without constantly depending on your company or attention. He or she should be comfortable with themselves and be totally secure without you there.

9. Trustworthy: Even if every other aspect of your relationship is solid, the power of doubt is hard to dismiss. Problems down the road will be inevitable if you’re constantly second-guessing their honesty (and vice versa).

10. Exhilarates you, doesn’t deplete you: Your partner should make you excited about life and its offerings. He or she should never make you feel bad about yourself or diminish your spirit in any way.

11. Has a life outside of the one you share: It’s important for your SO to understand that you have a life of your own and to encourage you to enjoy things without him or her.

12. Doesn’t hold grudges: Despite any bumps in the road, your life partner should seek to improve your relationship rather than dwell on any setbacks.

13. Brings out the best in you: Your partner should not provoke your inner worst qualities — only the ones that make you a better you.

14. Loves all of you: This includes your flaws, especially. Your personality traits don’t come à la carte so he or she should be able to embrace you as a whole, shortcomings and all.

15. Accountable: He or she should be able to put aside their ego to be held accountable for any mistakes. Your partner should own up to them rather than place blame on someone or something else.

16. Allows him/herself to be vulnerable to you: Communication will prove to be the hugest challenge if either of you have a wall up. Your SO should feel comfortable enough to confide in you with all of their fears and secrets.

17. Keeps you in check, without dictating: It can get boring when someone is in constant agreement with you for the sake of not wanting to upset you. When you’re out of line, he or she shouldn’t be afraid to challenge you and respectfully point out your wrongdoing when necessary.

18. Allows you to be you: It’s difficult to be fully happy in a relationship when you’re forced to suppress any part of you. You shouldn’t feel restricted whatsoever, whether that includes being able to freely pursue your hobbies or to be your silly self.

19. Dependable: You should always be able to rely on your partner for anything, from emotional support to upholding their commitments. You don’t want to have to waste time worrying about if they’re acting irresponsible.

20. Is easy to be with: Every relationship comes with its battles but by no means should it be a daily war — that can get exhausting. Although the need for improvement is never-ending, your partner should be your counterpart, teammate, and best friend, and mutual happiness should come with little effort.



This Article Was Originally Published In truthinsideofyou


He Never Hit Me



Warning: This post contains descriptions of intimate partner abuse and may be triggering to some.

How many times did I find myself on his bathroom floor cowering beneath him, feeling the hot spit land on me as he screamed? Stop crying like a baby. You’re crazy. No one else would put up with you. How many times did I shudder on that floor counting my breaths, bringing myself back from the brink of suffocation during a panic attack that was triggered by one of these maniacal and regular assaults? But he never hit me.

How many hours did I remain on that bathroom floor after he had gone to bed, my eyes red with burst blood vessels? How many times did I hear the sound of his snores and realize he had fallen asleep, no more than a meter away, to the sound of me hyperventilating while still in the throes of that panic attack? How many times did I whisper aloud, “How did I get here? How did I become this woman?” How many times did I tell myself to get up, call a cab and walk out the front door? How many times did I get up and look in that mirror and fail to recognize myself? How much hate could I have for the broken woman staring back at me? But he never hit me.

How many times did I crawl into that bed, rather than into a cab, and wake up with his arms around me, telling me that I brought it out in him? He wasn’t like this. I made him like this. I needed to change the way I approached him about these things. Be less accusatory. If I just softened my approach, it would allow him to react differently. How many times did I adjust my approach before I realized the only way to avoid the abuse was not to bring it up at all? But he never hit me.

How many emails and text messages did I find? How many parties did we attend knowing that one of the women was there? I learned quickly not to address it so that “I” wouldn’t ruin a perfectly nice evening. When his family member asked me if a lipstick she had found under the couch was mine, I threw it away and said nothing more of it. Neither did she. Another humiliation taken in silence. But he never hit me.

How many times did he tell me he was going to sleep, out for dinner with a client, couldn’t hear his phone, but actually taking out another woman? How many times did he ignore my calls and call the next morning telling me nothing had happened? It was sadistic. I could see how much he enjoyed being that powerful. How many defamatory lies did he concoct and propagate to my old colleagues and friends when I walked away from him? How many times did he smear my reputation? How many times did I go back, believing every promise that he was a new man, believing every half-hearted apology? But he never hit me.

How many times did a friend pick me up because he had kicked me out of bed in the middle of the night for questioning him about one of the women? How many times did I go back before those friends had had enough. How many times did I defend him and justify his behavior when I told a friend about what he had done? When did I stop telling anyone altogether to avoid the shame of the insanity of the circumstances I was somehow in — the shame of being a strong independent woman who couldn’t take care of herself enough to leave a situation that was so toxic? When did I stop expecting more? But he never hit me.

How could I explain to someone that I believed it was partly my fault, even though I was embarrassed to hear those beaten woman’s words spoken from my lips. No one really understood. No one knew him like I did. It was my job to protect him from the truth of what he did to me. I couldn’t let them think he was a monster. I wouldn’t tell anyone. I was entirely alone. But he never hit me.

My solitude meant that I could no longer see the reflection in other people’s eyes indicating what was normal. I could only see the reflection in his eyes and began to believe what he told me about myself. I began to believe his irrational explanations despite my own heart and eyes. I let him define reality. I became isolated. It became easier to cut off my support networks completely than to have to lie about everything. Than to face the humiliation of my reality. A part of me knew that once they knew the extent of what was happening, they would force me to get out for good. I wouldn’t be able to go back. I knew I would always need to even in the worst of times. But he never hit me.

I set a benchmark. The red line I wouldn’t cross. The minute he hit me, I would leave. But the truth is, I know I wouldn’t have left then either. I would have rationalized that in hitting me, he would realize how out of hand things were. Everything would change now. I wouldn’t have left. By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn’t control himself.

When it was over, I wasn’t permitted to mourn him. No one could understand how love, hate, fear and comfort could coexist simultaneously. They could not understand that in addition to my abuser, I also lost my confidant, the person to make dinner with, the person to watch movies with on a rainy Sunday, the person to laugh with, the person who knew me. I lost my companion. How can you explain to someone that the abuse was only a part of who he was? How do you explain that to yourself?

There are still days when I remember tender moments and wonder if it really was that bad. I still struggle with reconciling how he could love me to the point of tears and yet hurt me as if I was an enemy. Like a child, I’m learning to redefine the borders of normal behavior and to realign my expectations. I remind myself that acts of violence can never be acts of love.

For the first time, I see my own reflection in other women who have emerged from the depths of such darkness. Indescribably courageous women whom I have never met, but who have shared their stories and in doing so, saved me. These women embraced me with their pain and unknowingly convinced me that I was not alone, that I am worthy of more. I hadn’t believed that singular truth in a very long time.

Knowing that others were there has allowed the shame to dissipate. I used to default to the trained belief that I was crazy, overly sensitive or had imagined it all because I could not reconcile the love and the abuse. I have permitted myself to accept that both existed. Their stories have allowed me to forgive myself. To recognize how arbitrary that red line was. Seeing myself in their eyes has allowed me to name my abuser. To name my experience as an abused woman. And then to let go.

I pray now that my words will travel to the broken woman staring back at them and embrace her. I hope they equip her with the strength and love she needs to raise herself from the depths.

Need help? In the U.S., call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) for the National Domestic Violence Hotline or visit the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline operated by RAINN. For more resources, visit the National Sexual Violence Resource Center’s website.



This Article Was Originally Published In huffingtonpost

Narcissistic Men And Their Mothers



“There is a form of narcissism that seems to affect men more than women…it stems from a very close and unhealthy mother-son attachment relationship.” ~ Berit Brogaard
~
As with anything, there are varying degrees of narcissism
There is a spectrum from healthy (with a balanced dose of self-love and esteem) to pathological, all-encompassing narcissistic tendencies.

Narcissism is troublesome for society as a whole, as well as for each individual narcissist who is plagued by incessant and rampant internal negativity, obsession with self-image and dangerously exaggerated feelings of self-importance.

It is neither as simplistic, nor as innocent, as the commonly invoked myth of a beautiful man or woman gazing at his or her own reflection in the surface of the pond, fixated on its beauty and perfection.

Narcissism is primarily a sexual perversion, according to Freudian theory. In Sigmund Freud’s seminal 1914 essay, On Narcissism: An Introduction, he writes:

“A narcissist is a person who treats his own body in the same way in which the body of a sexual object is ordinarily treated—who looks at it, that is to say, strokes and fondles it till he obtains complete satisfaction through these activities. Developed to this degree, narcissism has the significance of a perversion that has absorbed the whole of the subject’s sexual life.”

Freud goes on to define megalomania as a “magnification and plainer manifestation” of narcissism.

In contrast, post-Freudian psychologists in the early to mid-20th century, such as Karen Horney, saw the narcissistic personality as a trait molded by a dysfunctional early environment, as opposed to viewing narcissistic needs and tendencies as inherent in human nature.

The latest research indicates that narcissism is on the rise in modern culture due to the rise of reality television, social media, and the ever-increasing focus on achievement—even in preschool and elementary school, which is coupled with the general reduction of children’s freedom to play with their peers in an unstructured way.

Simply stated, narcissism is an inflated view of the self, combined with relative indifference to others. There are two distinct categories of pathological narcissism: exhibitionist and closet. Both stem from an inability to adequately develop an age-appropriate self due to problems with the quality of nurturing provided during their childhood by the primary caregiver, typically the mother.

The closet narcissist is more likely to have a deflated, inadequate self-perception and also a palpable awareness of the emptiness within. The exhibitionist type, on the other hand, maintains an inflated, grandiose self-perception that is out of touch with reality. Without investigation or reflection, the exhibitionist type assumes that others are just like him. The closet narcissist desires constant approval from others, while the exhibitionist constantly seeks admiration and ego-stroking. 

The seven deadly sins of narcissism:
  1. 1. Shamelessness: inability to process shame. 
  2. 2. Magical thinking: seeing oneself as perfect.
  3. 3. Arrogance: diminishing and degrading others with self-importance.
  4. 4. Envy: coveting others’ images, possessions, or achievements.
  5. 5. Entitlement (a.k.a. privilege): feeling and acting extra special and better than everyone else.
  6. 6. Exploitation: using others without regard for their feelings or interests.
  7. 7. Lack of boundaries: no boundary between self and other.

The narcissistic mother idealizes her son and puts him up on a pedestal. By the time he is a teen, she resents her son for not pleasing her as he used to, which in turn creates resentment in him. His defense mechanism is to keep building up his ego as a facade that covers deep insecurity and angst. Yet, all the blame cannot go solely to the mother. Narcissistic fathers, too, are more likely to foster narcissistic children.

At the community level, we need to work to reverse the alarming trend of narcissism in society by promoting altruism in children and teens. This can be accomplished by incorporating the explicit teaching of emotional intelligence and mindfulness through both traditional learning institutions and home schooling.



This Article Was Originally Published In notey


A Connection Between Malignant Narcissism And The Supernatural???



WARNING: This is a dark and highly disturbing topic for many people. If discussions about evil entities, the demonic or the supernatural bothers you, I suggest not reading this blog post to avoid being triggered.

I’ve discussed the subject of evil and narcissism before, but today a commenter called Truthteller brought up this subject again in the comments section of another blog post (I can’t find his or her blog if they even have one).

A good question.
Truthteller was wondering if disorders like malignant narcissism and/or multiple personality disorder (MPD) have a possible supernatural explanation, such as an evil or alien entity taking up residence inside a person. This commenter suggested that severe abuse during childhood, which can cause both MPD (a splintering of the original personality into two or more subpersonalities) and NPD (dissociative as well because the true self is shut off or obscured by an elaborate system of false personalities or masks) can make the child vulnerable to an outside entity taking up residence within them.

Now before you write me off as a BSC, superstitious, tinfoil hat-wearing, Bible thumping nutcase, let me explain that while I do consider myself a Christian, I am not particularly religious (though I am spiritual) nor have I ever been that superstitious and I’m pretty skeptical about supernatural things. In fact, I think most “supernatural” events probably have a scientific explanation that hasn’t been discovered yet.

For example, imagine a serf living in the year 1100, during the Middle Ages. Now imagine a time traveler from 2014 appears and shows the medieval serf his Smartphone. (Okay, I know time travel isn’t possible right now, if it ever is, but just suspend your disbelief here for a minute).

What would the serf think? Would they understand anything about the technology that went into making that Smartphone? Of course not. They would probably run away screaming that the thing was demonic, a supernatural device from Hell that contained evil spirits. Because that would be the only way they could explain the glowing moving images and words scrolling on a screen. If we see a ghost today, it could actually be a ghost, or it could be a hologram of some sort, a cross-section of a 4 or more-dimensional being, or simply an aggregation of energy concentrated in one place. We really don’t know.

That being said, I also don’t dispute the possibility that there may be evil spirits or even an entity called Satan. No one has proven these entities exist, but no one’s disproven them either. There is at least one respected psychiatrist in the field of NPD and psychopathy (Dr. M. Scott Peck) who believes that certain individuals without empathy or a conscience, who take pleasure in hurting others (today we call them malignant narcissists or psychopaths) are in fact evil.

I absolutely believe there are evil people in the world, but is their evil due to Satan or other malignant entities overtaking their minds at some point (possibly due to a choice they made which I’ll explain later in this post), or is their “evil” simply a manifestation of a badly wired brain dominated by the predatory, reptilian, lower brain instead of the mammalian human brain that has the capacity for love and empathy?

A snake doesn’t care about its fellow snakes or even its offspring. It feels no love. It attacks with no remorse and has no feelings of guilt if its prey dies from its bite. It abandons its young after they’re born to fend for themselves. This is normal behavior for a snake, but a snake isn’t evil because it’s just a reptile, a less evolved creature than we are. If a human acts like a snake though, then that person is evil because we’re supposed to have a brain that has the capacity to feel empathy and love.

MPD vs. NPD.
In the case of the person with MPD, I don’t believe malignant entities have anything to do with their disorder, for several reasons. Although people with MPD appear to be “possessed” by more than one personality, they are really just facets of the same personality. A person with MPD was almost without exception severely abused during early childhood, and to protect the “waking self” from further pain, their original personality shattered into fragments, or subpersonalities of the original.

A good therapist who specializes in MPD can help the patient bring the “personalities” back together, usually by working primarily with the dominant personality, which is usually cooperative and the most mentally healthy of them all. It is also the only one of the personalities that is aware of all the others. One by one, the dominant personality (or sometimes using hypnosis) will “bring out” the other personalities for the therapist to work with. Eventually, through the cooperation of all the personalities, the person can become whole again. While there may be unpleasant or immature personalities, they are not necessarily evil. Another reason I don’t think MPD has anything to do with outside entities is because the person with the disorder wants to get well. They usually seek therapy on their own due to blackouts and other odd things such as doing something and not remembering doing it.

Malignant narcissism and psychopathy is a different story. Although also most likely caused by severe abuse combined with a genetic predisposition, the person is nearly always unaware of their original, true self which has been obscured so deeply by their elaborate layers of masks that it may as well not even exist. It’s very difficult if not impossible to access the true self in a malignant narcissist. It exists but the false self is a lie, and lies are inherently evil. This is why they are the “People of the Lie.”

The genesis of psychopathy.
Why are some people evil and what made them that way? No one really knows. I don’t think in real life there are any “bad seeds” and those we know of are usually fictional characters. Some people probably do possess a gene for the malignant form of narcissism or psychopathy, but even so, with loving parenting that teaches the child right from wrong at an early age, I think most children can still learn to be good people and those lessons will override the genetic predisposition. Perhaps they’ll still be narcissists but of the benign variety instead.

Severely abusing or neglecting a child who already possesses the gene will likely cause that child to become a psychopath or malignant narcissist. At this point in time, there is no known cure once the disorder has become ingrained in the personality. If any treatment is to work, it must be done in early childhood, when the personality is still forming.

Possession and Exorcism.
I don’t think people with these disorders are actually possessed by demons, but if demons or malignant entities exist, these people may be highly influenced by them or walk on the side of darkness. That would explain my MN ex’s fascination with the occult, Satanic symbolism, and his liking for dark music like death metal. Being open to darkness, malignant narcissists and psychopaths are vulnerable to malignant entities taking up residence inside them, and for someone who is already a psychopath, the possession would be total and even exorcism would not work and would probably kill them.

Non-evil people could be possessed too, usually by dabbling in the occult or the like, but for them, the possession is “imperfect,” according to M. Scott Peck. Because the entity isn’t aligned perfectly with the person’s soul, there is still good in the person and when an exorcism is performed, the good can overcome the evil entity (with God’s help). An exorcism performed on an imperfectly possessed, non-evil individual is more likely to be successful than it would be on a psychopath whose possession, if it exists at all, would be total.

M. Scott Peck also believes that exorcism does not have to be done by a priest or minister. It can be successfully performed by a psychiatrist or psychologist who is well trained in the ritual, and at the same time has a strong faith in God.

How a good person can become evil.
I mentioned earlier the concept of choice. I think there are some people who are predisposed genetically to psychopathy and aren’t necessarily evil, but there comes a turning point during which they choose darkness over light. This is usually a decision they make, a “deal with the devil” so to speak. This is the point at which they can cross the line over into evil and once they do so, there is no turning back.

I’ve used this example before, but I’ll use it again because it’s such a good one. In “People of the Lie,” Peck talks about a man who was in all respects a good man, a family man who loved his wife and children. But the man had a terrible problem: he suffered from severe panic attacks when crossing a certain bridge on his way home from work every day. The panic attacks were so debilitating that the man, even though he didn’t believe in the devil, made a deal with the devil anyway. He told the devil that if he could get over the bridge without suffering a panic attack, then he would allow the devil to allow something to happen to his beloved son.

Nothing happened to the man’s son, but the man felt terribly guilty about making such a deal, even though he still didn’t believe the devil existed, so he confessed his sin to Dr. Peck. It was explained to the man that he did the right thing; if he hadn’t felt remorse over making such a deal, even though he didn’t believe in the devil, that he would have crossed the line over into evil.

The same thing happens during war when soldiers are forced to kill innocent people and commit other acts of atrocity that go against their morals. Those who aren’t predisposed to psychopathy and are forced to undertake such evil actions, suffer from PTSD and can even experience a psychotic break. However, there are veterans who, already predisposed to psychopathy, became evil after committing such acts during wartime. They return from war seeming to have lost any empathy or ability to love they once had. Here too, a line was crossed, even if it was not really their own choice. Once that line is crossed the person can never return to goodness because they have, in effect, “sold their soul,” and possibly been possessed by malignant outside entities who make sure they keep walking on the side of darkness.

It’s in their eyes.
I have noticed something odd in the eyes of malignant narcissists. The first time I saw it was when I was about five or six, when my mother flew into a narcissistic rage over something or other, probably my acting “spooky” (withdrawn and lost in my Aspie world) which seemed to enrage her more than anything else. When I looked into her face, I noticed with horror that her eyes were solid black like the eyes of aliens or demons, and her sneer was so full of pure hate that I had nightmares for weeks. I remember having dreams about this demon-mother, and waking up screaming. She’d rush into the room and it was like waking up from one nightmare into another, an inescapable loop of nightmares I couldn’t awaken from, because all I could see even when awake were those solid black eyes and hateful sneer. Even when she was smiling or hugging me. This lasted for several months, but I knew then what she was, and I also knew that she knew I knew. And that made her hate me even more.

I saw the same black eyes once when my MN ex was in one of his narcissistic drunken rages.
Also, I have seen actual people who have very opaque, cold and hard eyes without a hint of humanity or warmth in them. Here is a photo of a person I do not know but her face is one of the most frightening I’ve ever seen and it’s because of those eyes. I have no doubt this woman is as evil as she looks. I sure wouldn’t want to meet her in person!

My father (a low spectrum but weak and benign narcissist who is not insane or deluded) told me about the time he spoke to Michael (who I was still married to at the time) on the phone and noticed his voice sounded different. The way he explained it, it was gutteral and inhuman like a demon’s voice. I never heard this voice myself, but on a visceral, gut level I believed my father was telling me the truth. I was spooked out of my mind.

After the divorce my father sent me a copy of “People of the Lie.” He told me he never believed in the devil or evil people until he read this book and realized it described my ex to a tee. Funny that he didn’t recognize my mother in that book, because she’s even more malignant than my ex. But he’s an enabler when it comes to MN women, and always seems to be in thrall to them. But that book changed my life because after reading it I finally recognized both my ex and my mother for what they actually were, and that was the catalyst that led to No Contact.

A person I know in the narcissistic abuse community says that the soul of a malignant narcissist or psychopath has been seared. I think that’s a very good description of what has happened to them. Can a seared soul be saved? I have no clue…

In conclusion, let me remind you that I’m not a tinfoil hat wearing conspiracy theorist or a Bible-thumping fundamentalist nutcase. I have no proof that any of this is valid (unless you count the opaque black eyes I’ve saw in both my mother and ex). But because a supernatural component hasn’t been disproven either, there’s a possibility that much more is involved in psychopathic behavior and malignant narcissism than mere mental illness or a brain dysfunction. Some of this even makes sense on a gut instinct level. In any case, Truthteller raised an interesting issue and I wanted to explore it further even if you think it’s nuttier than a Payday bar.



This Article Was Originally Published In luckyottershaven

3 Reasons Why It’s IMPOSSIBLE To Win With A Narcissist



APART FROM HIM OR HER MAKING YOUR LIFE A LIVING HELL, A NARCISSIST WILL FIND A WAY TO DRAIN YOU OF YOUR PRECIOUS TIME, YOUR HEALTHY EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL STATE, AND YOUR SELF ESTEEM.

At any given point in our life, we may cross paths with a person who thinks the world revolves around them. They constantly exhibit manipulative and arrogant behaviour, they are self absorbed and egotistical and will trample on your achievements so the spotlight shines only on them.

THESE KINDS OF PEOPLE ARE KNOWN AS NARCISSISTS.
They have an overpowering sense of entitlement. Apart from him or her making your life a living hell, a narcissist will find a way to drain you of your precious time, your healthy emotional and mental state, and your self esteem.

Learning to live with one of these types of people means learning to accept defeat. Why is that? Well it’s because regardless of how hard you try, or how much you truly believe things can change, you simply can not win. A relationship with a narcissist only benefits them, and leaves the other party asking themselves if they were crazy, if they were the problem, or what they did wrong.

THERE ARE COUNTLESS WAYS IN WHICH A NARCISSIST CAN AFFECT YOUR DAILY LIFE, SO HERE ARE SOME POINTERS THAT CAN YOU TO BREAK FREE OF A NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIP (IF EVER YOU FIND YOURSELF ENTANGLED IN ONE).

1. NARCISSISTS PREY ON THE THOSE THAT CONFORM TO THEIR WAYS.
When it comes to dealing with such a selfish person, we often find that letting them have their way seems like the easier route. Example: you kindly ask said person to meet you at a certain place at a certain time and they show up at the time that best suits them without even a hint of an apology. It’s easier just to move on when it comes to resolving the issue.

If it were the other way around, you would be the one endlessly apologizing. If you are not the type to deal with that kind of blatant hypocrisy, then you wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Narcissists will never appreciate your endeavors to keep them happy. No matter how much love you show them, or the favours you do for them that are never returned, your efforts are forever lost on them.

2. NOTHING YOU DO FOR THEM IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.
Narcissists will rope in those that they can demand perfection from. If you’ve ever been close to one you’ve probably felt the need to be a perfectionist since the bar is set unrealistically high.

As Pavel G. Somov, Ph.D Writes “In sum, they are intolerant of imperfection as they feel it reflects unfavorably on them. If they are perfect and everything around them is perfect, then others will respond to them as perfect, and then, and only then, will they buy into the perfect reflection in the social mirror and finally feel good about themselves, if only for a brief moment.”

3. PUTTING THEIR NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN WILL LEAD TO YOU LOSING YOUR SENSE OF SELF.
Overly critical analysis of everything you do, and passing of judgement, are two of the most effective weapons in the arsenal of a narcissist. Burying your self image further inflates their ego because it brings you down. Their influence leads you to doing things and buying stuff based off what they regard as good.

This is how people that are influenced by narcissistic behaviour lose their sense of individuality. Do things that you want to do; not because they told you to do it, but because you have your own individual desires.

If you want to set yourself up for a healthy relationship, then boundaries are needed. It’s the only way to make sure that your needs are met, as well as the other party’s. And don’t get me wrong, I understand the “live and let live” mentality and practice it most of the time. But sometimes, just sometimes, it is necessary to guard yourself against those types who prey on others and intentionally seek out victims.



This Article Was Originally Published In iheartintelligence

Anxiety Disorders Typically Caused By Exposure To Narcissistic Abuse



Overt abuse techniques commonly used on preferred scapegoat targets by Cluster B people tend to cause physical health issues for victims of people who are socially aggressive, violent, and foster a complex atmosphere of Ambient Abuse in any social environment they have the opportunity to influence.

The most common targets for social abuse are highly sensitive and emotionally intelligent people who are by nature prone to behaving like humanists. People who are of lesser social means (meaning less socially powerful or influential) are also likely targets, too.

If you live in a home where abuse is prevalent, expect your health to decline and your self-conception to suffer. Being told all the time YOU are the problem for reacting to abuse in ways that are actually emotionally intelligent and PHYSICALLY appropriate tends to cause victim self-identity to suffer.

If you feel like you are unsure whether you over-react to abuse or you are justified in being upset when you are lied to, conned by a love fraud, are cheated on, are beaten or sexually assaulted, threatened with murder, etcetera… your mind and body are already experiencing symptoms of extreme C-PTSD.

Chances are you are likely to be developing a  form of Stockholm Syndrome based on trauma bonding with your Abuser.  When and if a trauma bond forms, the biology of the human form does a couple of things.

First of all — if you are healthy and sane, you will tend to trust your own eyes and ears as well as sanity. If you catch a partner cheating, for instance, but they blame YOU? Or an Enabler tries to convince you that your abuser loves you in their own way? Or they tell you that physical assault is for your own good?

Seriously — if you believe them you are already likely to be living with adrenal fatigue and heightened forms of pervasive social anxiety soon.

The following list of anxiety disorder types was compiled by the Mayo Clinic. The healthcare organization describes many of the most common conditions as follows:

  • -Agoraphobia (ag-uh-ruh-FOE-be-uh) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed.

  • -Anxiety disorder due to a medical conditionincludes symptoms of intense anxiety or panic that are directly caused by a physical health problem.

  • -Generalized anxiety disorder includes persistent and excessive anxietyand worry about activities or events — even ordinary, routine issues. The worry is out of proportion to the actual circumstance, is difficult to control and affects how you feel physically. It often occurs along with other anxiety disorders or depression.

  • -Panic disorder involves repeated episodes of sudden feelings of intense anxiety and fear or terror that reach a peak within minutes (panic attacks). You may have feelings of impending doom, shortness of breath, chest pain, or a rapid, fluttering or pounding heart (heart palpitations). These panic attacks may lead to worrying about them happening again or avoiding situations in which they’ve occurred.

  • -Selective mutism is a consistent failure of children to speak in certain situations, such as school, even when they can speak in other situations, such as at home with close family members. This can interfere with school, work and social functioning.

  • -Separation anxiety disorder is a childhood disorder characterized by anxiety that’s excessive for the child’s developmental level and related to separation from parents or others who have parental roles.

  • -Social anxiety disorder (social phobia)involves high levels of anxiety, fear and avoidance of social situations due to feelings of embarrassment, self-consciousness and concern about being judged or viewed negatively by others.

  • -Specific phobias are characterized by major anxiety when you’re exposed to a specific object or situation and a desire to avoid it. Phobias provoke panic attacks in some people.

  • -Substance-induced anxiety disorder is characterized by symptoms of intense anxietyor panic that are a direct result of abusing drugs, taking medications, being exposed to a toxic substance or withdrawal from drugs.

  • -Other specified anxiety disorder and unspecified anxiety disorder are terms for anxiety or phobias that don’t meet the exact criteria for any other anxiety disorders but are significant enough to be distressing and disruptive.

Folks who actively abuse and enable other abusers love telling their abuse victims that they are somehow socially, emotionally, and intellectually deficient. They are huge fans of abusing the crap out of their target, then when caught or confronted about their behavior choices they love nothing more than playing the victim.

The more extreme the personality disorder the more likely social predatorsare to enjoy harming or humiliating and dominating other people.

Not only do they expect their willing Narcissistic Supply Sources to consistently play SUB-servant, they wholeheartedly expect and demand total obedience from any preferred scapegoat they like to claim ownership of and to toy with psychologically and emotionally on a regular basis.

People who get trapped* in the CYCLE OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE tend to know something is not right with the claims the Cluster B person makes, but unless they are well educated about things like how to spot the warning signs of a Cluster B pack or egocentric Abuser, love fraud tactics, and are made aware of verbal abuseand mind control tactics, predators make incredible logical fallacy statements and appeals to emotion that sound — at least plausible — to an unaware listener.

If a target makes the mistake of reverse projecting and presumes that all human beings — INCLUDING CLUSTER B PEOPLE AND VERTICAL THINKERS — have the same core values as roughly 75-80% of the global human population, that is the instant chaos manufactures or pot stirrers have the ability to start mind assaulting trouble.

People who are exposed to physical abuse, sexual assault, verbal assaults of a poignant or pervasive nature, financial abuse, social persecution, and the word choices of dehumanizers seeking to sadistically or callously persecute tend to develop extreme social anxiety, pervasive stress related illnesses, and extreme confusion over knowing they are good folks in their heart and mind but hear constant ad hominem attacks against themselves by bullies and manipulators all the time.

If you are being harassed, bullied, messed with at work, are being picked on by family members who display Cluster B behaviors, an ex has done some crappy thing like tried to smear campaign, or worse…

Or you are feeling the literal weight of an angry and hostile narcissistic led faction world…

You are not alone in suspecting being around mean people can damage your health. Verbal assault can lead directly to neurological damage to the part of the brain that houses complex emotional reasoning centers and the body fatigues and organ function is medically depleted by the fear-induced surge of toxic adrenal chemicals.
Seriously.

Life-threatening illness tends to develop in humans who feel TRAPPED by an Abuser (unable to flee) or who are held hostage by toxic thinkers seeking to silence and oppress their scapegoats, targets, and control the fear-based psychology of their toys as well as any collateral damage victims.

[Abusers tend to rage at anyone who offers one of their preferred scapegoat targets humanitarian aid or social support. Doing so tends to produce the effect of socially isolating their targeted victim while humiliating and truly frightening them further when and if people passively choose to stay out of it or to enable, leaving the target even more vulnerable to further pervasive overt (as well as extreme covert) situational abuse. ]

The more healthcare workers start to realize if a patient presents with stress illness and psychiatric symptoms that the patient is more than likely showing physical signs of complex psychological and emotional duress more than likely being caused by ongoing exposure to Narcissistic Abuse or an Ambient Abuse promoting environment, the sooner human beings of neurotypical nature are likely to be able to end the healthcare crisis beginning to plague most modern nations.



This Article Was Originally Published In physicalwellness